May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have An additional area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, Trump Tower Damascus "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he really should quit making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the undertaking, replied, "You already know, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following finding the making's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place guests may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "For those who Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is now attracting focus from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will even include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have change-down support."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Thoughts within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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